You May Have Noticed... This Site Is DEAD AS SHIT!

One of the problems with saving toward a long term goal is it seems like the reality of achieving said goal feels like it will never be. I have long maintained that my goal was to get a 32 ford (fiberglass wannabe since a real one is like forget it) or a factory five Shelby Cobra kit car. Seems simple enough, get a goal and save for it. But then since you don't really think it is ever going to come you "borrow" some money for a kick ass guitar, or you slam a truck into a fence basically taking away all the money you had been getting from a side job for like 2 years.

Long story short, you lose focus. I am still putting money away but when you start thinking that you will be able to get your hotrod around 2018 give or take that sucks. In a moment of weakness I started looking around for other options, a Datsun Fairlady or a VW manx were some of the contenders that popped. Should i just start wheeling and dealing like I do with guitars? just keep buying and selling Until I work my way up? Part of me says yes start wheeling and dealing and having fun with lots of different cars. The other stupid logical part of me says stay the course and get the one you want.

Truthfully there is no real "right" answer. I guess time will tell. I would say I will try to be more dedicated in keeping this site updated but we all know how full of shit that lie would be. I WILL try but you know your wannabe hotrodder is just that, a wannabe.

How Many Barns Could There POSSIBLY BE?

So, a while back I first heard the term "Barn Find" and I was like "Wow, that's cool!"
Fast forward a few years and lets just say the Wannabe Hotrodder is a bit more skeptical of the term. Now, by nature I am a very skeptical person. Hell I typeset coupons for a living, disclaimers are in my blood. On the surface the whole premise of a true Barn Find is very interesting and exciting and brings out the inner Indiana Jones in us all. Imagine you happen upon a old forgotten dust filled barn, as the heavy door creaks open the sunlight sends a beam of glory on the time capsule of an unmolested antique car. Almost as if you carry the staff of Ra and you have found THE holy grail of cars (and don't worry, in my mind the car is ALWAYS the worlds greatest find not some run of the mill Nash). Doesn't that just bring a tear to your eye? Sure of course it does! Here is the rub... its all bullshit.

Lets look at the reality of it, barns are the perfect place for rodents, birds, snakes, all kinds of glorious insects and pretty much any other form of wildlife that would like to escape the outside to go. As a youngster I spent many a day slaving away for $1 per hour helping bail hay, barns are just tiny islands of dirt, dust and death. Not exactly a first choice to house an antique car.

Wanna guess the SECOND best place for said beasties to go? Yup, that antique car sitting inside the barn. Just sitting there all full of yummy stuffing and electrical wiring to chew on. At the very least it will be used early and often as the barns rodent outhouse. The other neat fact about cars that sit unused they just kinda rot into themselves. So, regular upkeep and care that everyday cars get from their owners a true "barn find" has been left to rot. They never show any of that on the reality shows created to prop up all this kind of craziness but trust me, a real barn find is going to stink like death and shit and pretty much every single part will be ceased up and total shit.

So why the big ruse by the reality shows and auction houses? What could possibly be the reason for everyone to completely lose their shit at the mere utterance of "Barn Find"? Simple answer is money. Reality shows sell a dream, they show cars being restored in an hour and they relish in the fact that so many viewers will honestly believe that there are incredible glorious rare cars just sitting in every barn across the nation. Might wanna think twice before approaching that farmer, they are often armed and usually drunk. In my opinion your time and money would be much better spend just finding an honest car from an honest hot rod enthusiast. Will it be perfect? Of course not, but there will probably be a lot less rat shit to clean up.

The 900 Pound Rusty Gorilla In The Room

 

Rust In PEACE

Okay, as noted my last entry we need to talk about the current trend to take over the hotrod world... RAT RODS. Now, I beg you gentle reader please realize my opinions are not meant to be hurtful or flame worthy. Just my observations as seen through my little pea brain and expounded through the garbage heap that is the internet.

Greaserama car show in Kansas City last month really filled my veins with gasoline and lit the fire under my butt to get working on my hotrod plan. To be fair the "Hotrod Plan" consists of me saving money to buy a hot rod but "hotrod plan" sounds a bit more cool. The other thing I took away from the trip was although Rat Rods are very cool, much like everything else too much of a good thing kinda becomes a bad thing. What? has the wannabe hotrodder lost his mind? Please... read on...

For many many years car shows were basically fields upon fields filled to the brim with super shiny trailer queen cars that were basically kept behind glass. With sign after sign warning the attendee to not touch said trailer queen. That might float for a one of a kind Ferrari or Super Bee that truly is rare, please don't touch my "rare" 1967 Mustang not so much. Not hating on Mustangs but as I pointed out a few posts ago I am pretty sure you got a free Mustang with a large slurpee purchase in 1967. So as with most things the absurd brings a backlash. So much like punk music came along to murder disco, rat rods came along to murder the trailer queen. Just as punk then itself became the bloated joke of itself so too has "Rat Rods."

The first time one lays eyes on a true rusty ass wicked cool rolling work of art Rat Rod it turns your brain upside down. They are cooler than the other side of the pillow... from the cliche Jack Daniels radiator overflow bottle to the Pabst Blue Ribbon shift they are wacky cool fun. You walk away from that first exposure realizing you have been told a lie and hot rods can be unique and different and they don't always have to be perfect with that little time out dummy leaning against the overly shiny chrome bumper. The first exposure to a Rat Rod excited the car lover and changes your perspective. Fast forward a couple years and you start to realize that first Rat Rod you saw wasn't that innovative and was in fact bound by its own subset of rules for it to be "cool."

My hope is that the market re-adjusts itself back again but lands right in the middle. See, I dream of a world in which you can have a nice shiny hot rod AND drive it too. Imagine that world everyone, you can make a car fast and loud AND not worry about keeping it pristine. That is the happy medium, a car can be beat up and rusty and still be cool but creating fake patina or purposely wrecking something to make it look old and destroyed on purpose is kinda the same as buying a "relic'ed guitar" the hand made scars are fake corporate bullshit conceived to sell an image.

So for the sake of the hotrod world and car lovers everywhere... build your car and do the best you can. If your car gets a dent or scratch so be it, show your scars with pride but please don't ruin your car for a fad. Fads are cheap and soul-less.

More fads than you can detect with a fad detecting fad machine!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pt_zum97kjE

This past weekend I went to a Swap Meet / Car Show held at the world famous Don Garlits Museum. I went with a friend we will call MurderStang. MurderStang is an ACTUAL hotrodder not a wannabe like me so he is always a wealth of information and often has awesome ideas and insight. But I digress, as we walked to and fro looking at all the cars and customs it really struck me how deeply the car culture is struck with fads.

There were a ton of really awesome cars at the show. This show was more about honest hard working driving hotrods. So the field filled with a few trailer queens but for the most part well used cars filled the ranks. That is when i noticed the newest soon to be tired fad... the rat rod. Funny thing about hotrods they are really slaves to what is cool. Some are tried and true timeless classics for sure. Never met a 57 Chevy i didn't like. When you see a lot of different cars in these shows it sticks out when a car was built. 

The billet crazy of the 90s, the zz top fueled color-gasms from the 80s and now the patina drenched rat rod craze. I have nothing against all of these movements in the car world, hell I am a wannabe at this point so I have no room to judge. What does weigh heavy in my tiny pea brain is when I finally do get my hotrod and when I do start building and customizing it how do I avoid creating a fad filled car? I don't have the money to build and rebuild a car. Yes, I realize that hotrods command special handling and obviously driving one on a regular basis will require lots of fixing and re-fixing.

I guess it comes down to building a car that is timeless in design and powerful enough to not get pushed around. For me anyway, others will have way different goals. When I think of the cars I drool over getting they all have my flare but don't go overboard.

Wheels seem to be the hardest hit when it comes to fads. The first dead give away to when a car was built is the wheels. Second is the paint, man does paint show fads more than anything! I often think if you paint a car solid color and possibly close to a factory color you are safe. If you start putting stripes and ribbon stripes over ghost flames over pinstriping in neon colors well you might want to just start putting money away for the repaint now. That is part of the problem, custom cars are mostly one-off vehicles built by one person for one person. Judging if it is cool or not should not really come into play but obviously it does. And just because something is cool today does not mean it will be tomorrow. Just ask the guys riding the OCC choppers how much street cred they get. For now I will only dream and scheme, dodging fads and hoping for my hotrod to arrive.

Old = Indestructible

In the world of true hotrodding old detroit steel reigns supreme. That is good, and bad... but mostly good.

At this point you might be wondering why the hell is there a picture of a phone up there with a hyper link to a disturbed song called Indestructible. No, I haven’t completely lost my mind. That image represents everything about modern times and how I see the world. At THIS point you might be thinking okay, he obviously HAS lost his mind and just doesn’t know it yet. Bare with me gentle readers and allow me to expand upon my hypothesis.

See, earlier this morning I dropped my modern smart phone. Upon dropping my phone it broke the screen into a million pieces and became unusable in that it didn’t even have a picture anymore. I had to take the battery out of it to make it stop playing the song I was listening to. The song was Dead Kennedys “Trust Your Mechanic” in case you were wondering. Very solid song by a great old school punk band. It made me think of a time before phones were expensive pieces of glass that had the computing power of god and fit into the palm of everyones hands.
For you younger readers phones used to be heavy black things that sat on a stand or sometimes hung on a wall. They were made of space hardened moon lava and could kill a bear in the event of an attack and they never ever ever stopped being a phone. I would hazard a guess if you went out into the desert just beside where Atari buried all those ET cartridges and dug up where good old Ma Bell buried all of those old black phones they would still work. They were bullet proof, they were indestructible.

Does that make them better than current smart phones? No but yes… so maybe. New smart phones are glorious in that they contain all the answers to everything. You need to quickly establish the firing order of an engine you yanked out of a junk yard it is there. You need to find out what some random idiot thinks about what color you painted your anvil it is there. If you want it to be dependable and durable not so much. New technology is built light and smart but it sacrifices a lot to get there. New phones are a fashion statement and a fad, the cool hip phone you shelled out a crap ton of money to buy will be mocked as junk within 4 months. And as stated above, they are flimsy as hell… weak as a new born fawn.

Phones are like hotrods in that if you want to build up a bad ass hunk of detroit iron it might not be as super smart, slick and light as a new fangled computer driven hellcat. BUT, purchasers of the new hellcat or camaro that is a billion horsepower beware! New cars are plastic shells controlled by computer. Computers fail at just about every turn. Just like a new shiny phone people will drool all over them then toss them aside when the NEW AND IMPROVED BEST THING EVER comes out so too will the new cool cars of today. They are junk. New cars are fast sleek beautiful pieces of disposable shit. That is the way of the world now. Cars can’t be fixed, just replaced.

If you are like me and value things that are made of glass and metal and wood then you don’t have much time for the newest gadget filled plastic boring car of today. They are not useless but they are not going to be there through the thick and thin. They are the same as a disposable razor,used up and tossed away. New things are not built to withstand the test of time, they are there to drive consumerism and stupidity. SO, much like the old black phone that you can dial day in and day out from until the end of time (or until they force you to convert) give me an old metal and steel chunk of detroit cool. It won’t be as smart as a new hellcat, it won’t attract car and drivers top rated blah blah blah of the year. Know what it will do, it will go though hell and back without missing a beat with me. That is worth more to me than words can express… it is priceless.

JESUS BUILT MY HOTROD!

Hotrods they are a'changing! I have a modest little Honda S2000 daily driver that is pushing around 265 HP. It is my every day drive to work car. It is fast, not like break your back fast but damn fast. It was made in 2005... way back when 265 horsepower sounded impressive. Since then I have seen the average horse power of consumer cars climb and climb. There are freakin' boring ass family cars running 300 HP from the factory. Now, would they beat mine in an honest street race? Probably not as there are about a billion and one things that contribute to who crosses the finish line first and most family cars ain't got em. BUT, with the new technology pushing the boundaries more and more every day hotrods have to be absolute monsters to even get noticed anymore. It is not uncommon for a hotrod to hit 600 - 800 or more horsepower to seem respectable. Hell, my friend Murder Stang is shooting for above 1000 horsepower on his vintage mustang. It is no wonder, Hellcats come stock with 707 hp from the factory and every other major car company is racing (literally) to beat that number.

Hotrods with outrageous horsepower are not surprising as the true hotrod culture has always taken the lightest and fastest and made it part of their car. Some of the purists out there bitch and complain if you bolt anything new on an old car but the harsh reality is hotrodders increase power and speed any way possible. You can keep your "Pre-blah blah blah or nothing" bullshit along with numbers matching and patina. With the modern horsepower war ramping up from all sides how will the garage tree mechanic or wannabe hotrodder keep up? I guess the same way we always have, run what ya brought until you can beg borrow and steal the next performance part. 

So, if you are sitting at the light next to a goofball 4 door accord don't laugh too hard as the kid driving it tachs the engine and cranks up his Skrillex CD. It just might make a fool of you unless you put the pedal all the way to the metal and ride out every gear. In traditional Wannabe fashion I will continue to dream and scheme all the ways my car WILL be the fastest... that is until I own my hotrod and it isn't. Till next time keep the rubber side down and rev it loud.